Well hello there, its been quite some time. Where have I been? You didn’t ask as you don’t know who I am 😉 To be perfectly honest, I know no one will read this but nonetheless I’m here with the urge to write and at a new crossroad in life.
I’ve been out of university (not officially with my bachelors right now, I get the ceremony thing next year) since May. In the six months or so leading up to May I worked on a short film I wrote and directed (for the first time). Here I am today, out of pocket about $1000, no contact with my university friends, no job and its safe to say… I’m not in the happiest of places. I’m lost and I feel terrible.
From day one of my short film, titled… Happily Evelyn After, I fought and hustled. In the beginning creating the story was fun as I didn’t put pressure on myself. Then it suddenly become a story I was writing for other people by the end I had no connection to the script. Production of the film… that was an absolute nightmare. I can’t say I didn’t have fun at times, because I truly did, however, the project itself really tested my relationship with other creators (fellow peers) and myself. I will spare you with all the details and self loathing from during that time and the post production (which is where I realised I could never truly become a director) #yourewelcome 😉
Fast forward to the posting of the film on youtube and the cast screening. My gosh… the actor with the smallest role and biggest ego (excelling the combined egos of all the men in a group of lads who have been out drinking) had the most to say. Text messages after text messages I received.. full of anger. Disgust. All because a group of young, optimistic, inexperienced filmmakers had created a film not up to his standard (“you told me my performance was good” “no sir, you didn’t let me speak and said I should be thankful to have you on set…. Which I was and still am… kinda.”) His words cut incredibly deep; feeling attacked and ambushed, I swallowed my pride and apologised- fighting only to save my crews reputation. That was that. Not a peep from his again.
Unfortunately, I wish I could say I’m past that entire experience… turning over a new leaf and working in an awesome production company making cool stuff.. HECK YEAH!
No, nope. I’m still here, unemployed in the creative industry. With his words still echoing in the back of my mind, weighing me down, I’ve begun to question everything.
Who Am I? What Am I Good At? Can I do Any Good? What Will I Do Now? Is Film For Me? Do I Have Anything Good To Offer?
I know I’m just wallowing about in my own self pity and I need to make moves, but with the aftermath of the short film and 30 unanswered or rejected job applications under my belt; things aren’t looking too good my friend.
Flip-side is I have realised that right now, I stand at the bottom of Mt. Everest; debris is falling around me and its about -10 degrees celsius. I can either stay right here, in this circle I’ve drawn with my foot (get all comfy, hold a flare above my head and wait) or I can climb this mountain, carrying my fat ass to the top and enjoy the beautiful view of the summit.
Life’s never easy, you have to hit rock bottom and fight your way back up onto your feet to enjoy the highs in life…. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore but hey, I’m saying something, talking is always good.
P.S Feature Image taken and edit by yours truly : )